One of the best tidbits of advice that Dave and I received around our wedding was "you need to date your spouse." At the time, it didn't mean as much to us as it obviously did to them. Sort of like the advice you get before you have children to "sleep as much as possible". I mean, sure, we'll sleep, but what's the big deal? Why are you saying that to me pale faced, sweating profusely, and with that faraway look in your eyes, like you've seen the dark side of life that is the exhausting first few months of having an infant. Such advice, as important as it is true, very often doesn't resonate with the receiver until they've been down that road, stumbled down that path, wondering the whole time... "why the hell didn't someone warn me?"
I'm getting off track. Because having kids is nothing like choosing to spend your life with one person. Becoming a spouse is a mutual agreement (in most sane countries anyways) between two people to be there, for better or worse, accepting, or even better, LOVING that person for who they are and what they become. I think I'm pages and decades away from arguing whether or not that type of commitment is realistic for most people (believe me, I've seen the great outcomes of both sides) but one thing I've come to realize is the truth in that statement of advice we were given at our wedding. That in order to give any two crazy kids a shot at forever, a lot of EFFORT has to be spent on making the other person feel loved, special, valued, and part of a team. It's not something that can be put aside, even for a few days. Because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that in these busy times of kids, homes, careers, and life, days all too quickly become weeks. Weeks turn into months, months into years. And before you know it, you're that couple eating dinner in silence because you spent the last decade paying attention to everything else but each other and left a void between you that is filled with all the things you never said.
Because loving someone the way they deserve is hard. It takes committment, creativity, patience, maturity. It is much easier to assume that their love will always be present, always be available, and to lesson the passion and dedication you both gave each other in those amazing first few years, when you had nothing but time, when you talked about possibilities, not preschool pickups. Living a life of forever with someone can be alarmingly unsexy... if you let it.
Date your spouse. Date. Adore, dote, love, here's a good, seriously unromantic sounding word: venerate. Like you did in the beginning. Like you want to feel as you get closer to the end.
I haven't been married long enough to pretend I have any advice to give on the subject. But I did want to share the guidance we were given almost 6 years ago that resonates so much more with me today than it did then. I look at that person differently now and unfortunately their relationship ended, which makes his advice even more profound. I don't know what happened but I can only assume that someone, maybe both, got too busy and stopped trying. Stopped leaving notes and giving compliments. Stopped saying what they appreciated and loved and started keeping score. The best relationships I know are those that are supportive, kind, and always assuming positive intent. It seems so simple. Here's to making it feel that way.
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