Stars and time.

I should look at the stars more often.  I feel like I used to.  I have memories of sitting in various places I've lived or traveled and taking the time to notice the sky.  Tonight during the evening ritual we refer to as "one last potties" (our long standing attempt at making sure the big dog doesn't pee all over our kitchen while we're sleeping), I turned off my headlamp and looked up.  I actually still recognized a few of the constellations and it struck me that I haven't gazed upward at night for a long time.  Like years.  Why?

My first thought was that I don't have time.  When I was in possession of enough free time to spare looking around and not directly forward to my destination, I was younger.  I didn't have family and jobs and specific goals and houses and dependents.  Now, if I'm outside, chances are I have limited time and it's spent burning calories or getting things done.  Hard to stare glossy eyed into the abyss when you're carrying 8 bags of groceries.

Then I thought that it's not that time of year.  It's been unseasonably warm this fall and winter and although the stars seem to shine the brightest around now - probably due to the lack of tree coverage - I just don't think we're hardwired to stop and spend some bonus time outdoors in January when the mercury is usually bottoming out around 20.  It's hunker down time, and that's mostly done indoors.

I also considered that I am pretty familiar with my surroundings here.  I've lived in this area for 6 years now, not to mention my entire childhood, and when looking around, I feel pretty certain that I know what to expect.  I use phrases like "the trail next to the 'sitting tree'" or "the climb next to the red house on the pond" to describe local places.  I remember playing a game in my parents car when I was a kid, sitting in the back with my eyes closed, picturing all the turns as we drove them, knowing exactly what was outside down to what type of fence or christmas lights each house had.  There's a comfort that comes with that familiarity but also a lack of necessity to explore what else might be out there.  To look around for more.

Lastly, I settled on the fact that when I used to look up, I think I was wondering what the future would hold.  Like sitting at the ocean, staring at the stars and their vastness, I always felt most that the possibilities were endless.  A day dreamers blank canvas I guess.  Maybe once you get older, some of those possibilities are narrowed down and the need to go looking for answers isn't quite as pressing. 

Either way, I'm glad I noticed.  I'd like to think it'll make me slow down and look around a little more often but who knows. 

Life is busy.  In all the best ways.

Gasp.

That's me.  Coming up for air.

It's been a life changing 6 months and I'm of course finding it hard to know where to start.  Over the craziness that was our 2011, I have been making mental notes of things I'd like to write about here.  SO, in an effort to get back on board the blogging train - new resolutions and all that - look for these topics in the next month year or so.  Ish.  :)
          - Pregnancy summary
          - NICU notes
          - Baby wishes
          - Budding personalities
          - Kid obsession - healthy or not?  And I'm not talking about mine.

Since my last post I've added the following talents to my resume, including but not limited to: changing a diaper in less than 10 seconds, feeding two infants at once, burping two infants at once, making mac-n-cheese a gourmet meal, sleeping standing up, running slower than I can walk, averaging three weeks to return emails and phone calls, and so many other things that I never thought I'd admit to.  People always tell you that you'll understand when you have kids.  That you'll suddenly just get how 3am becomes a normal hour to catch up on your news headlines or how you'll maintain a threat level orange hatred of an inanimate object such as your baby monitor.   While all those things are true and completely foreign, hard, and not where I ever thought I'd be... it is all inexplicably worth it.

 
More to come.

A lesson in parenting

I had plans today.  Plans to work, to get caught up around the house, to organize, to take care of myself, to follow a schedule.  I did not have plans to go to sleep with blurred vision, be overwhelmed by exhaustion for 10 hours, wake up and add a headache to the continuing vision problems, spend my morning worrying and my afternoon in the doctor's office and then back in bed.  That is what I didn't have planned.

But today was yet another example of why I have come believe without a doubt that we're given 9 months to experience this process for a reason.  The physical changes I was prepared for.  The thickening skin, the widening hips, the belly, the boobs (not necessarily a bad thing), the slowing of activity, the constant potty trips, the ups and downs between feeling beautiful and feeling fat, all of it.  What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional transition.  The shift between being a woman who is caring of others but mostly living her own agenda to a... mom, the most selfless of creatures.

I would love to say that I have gone through this shift effortlessly and without rebellion but that would definitely be lying.  When I was sitting in the parking lot after my doctors appointment today, under advice from our physician and 2 people that I love to go home, to rest, to put these babies first, of course I felt like it was the right thing to do but I also felt, being totally honest here, disappointed in the afternoon that I wasn't going to have because of it all.

So, lesson #1 of  3,529,488 (and probably more):  

it's not all about you anymore.

Lesson #2 of 3,529,488:  

be flexible with your time and your plans.

In other news, we've been spending some very quality time together as a family.

 We've been nesting.

 

But not without incident.  Not to worry, all is fine.  Just a slight mishap with an automatic drill and my dear husband's thumb.  Note to self:  add pain relieving spray to our first aid kit.

We've been volunteering.

And we've been perfecting some much needed talents.

That's the Bailey Bee.  Don't make fun, she takes it very seriously.

Insert a sufficient enough title to encompass the news of having twins here

Yup.  It's been a big spring.  I'm not sure why I even feel the need to document or announce the news here, anyone who actually reads this probably already knows and it's not like I'll need a "awww look what happened to us in the spring of 2011" type of reminder in a few years.  Chances are, the reminders teething and clearing out my pots and pans - again - will be reminder enough. 

So, twins.  I'm sure I'll elaborate on the oh so many emotions I've been having the past few months coming to terms and getting excited about these little ones (or "monsters" as Dave calls them) soon enough but for now, here's our 18 week pictures of the belly.

Side note:  this is why I don't blog very often.  On average, it'll take me 10 minutes to upload one photo.  My poor old mac is finding it difficult to open the internet and iphoto all at once.  You should feel how hot the main drive is right now.  There is either a new computer in my future which, with the whole twins bit coming along in a few months will be hard to justify, or a much more comfortable computer chair. 

Ok, pictures pictures...

My lighting stand-in / genius photographer / babies daddy.

48 hours of Spring

I can't explain it.  I found out tonight that we've actually had less snow than some places in Georgia this winter.  So why has the past few months felt like a never ending cold, cloudy, brown, wet day?  I could probably have the same sort of spring fever living in Wisconsin, and at least have snow.  Which will never happen, rest assured.  The Wisconsin part. 

Side note:  Tosh.O is amazing.
Second side note:  Why is Mike Tyson on the Animal Planet channel?

I love snow.  It's clean, soft, quiet, cozy, and usually shuts all normal ways of life down unexpectedly which can be a really nice change of pace.  What I don't love is 35 degrees and rain.  And you'd think by the way I'm pouting over the length of this season that we have had nothing but cold and rain.  But we're actually in a drought.  Well, not after today I suppose.

* UNTIL 1000 PM EST

* AT 653 PM EST EMERGENCY MANAGMENT OFFICIALS ARE REPORTING FLOODING
WITHIN THE WARNING AREA.

A FLOOD WARNING MEANS THAT FLOODING IS IMMINENT OR HAS BEEN REPORTED.
STREAM RISES WILL BE SLOW AND FLASH FLOODING IS NOT EXPECTED.
HOWEVER...ALL INTERESTED PARTIES SHOULD TAKE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS
IMMEDIATELY. 

So, again, I can't explain it.  And I don't feel unhappy.  Exactly the opposite actually, things are really great.  I'm just so ready for warm weather and abundant sunshine.

Hence our recent trip for Jonecoates-palooza in Miami.  Nick had to move down there for work and while we were super sad to see them go, having an excuse to visit a place that averages 80 degrees and sunny in February almost makes up for the loss.  Almost.

Stepping off the plane, I felt like I was breathing more deeply almost immediately.  The cancer I developed from said deep inhalations and the cloud of exhaust that is MIA will almost certainly be worth it, I'm sure.  We spent the whole weekend outside.  Walking, riding, sitting in the grass, staring at fake boobs, watching the sunset, cleaning sand from our feet, awing the Florida version of the New Jersey guido, changing outfits at least three times a day to get the most use out of tank tops and skirts I hadn't seen in months.

 
 It was great.  Exactly what we needed.  We spent a lot of the plane ride home (when not scared for our lives - crazy wind storm) talking about how we could get a little more of that into our daily lives here.  What we came up with was less on the weekends, or maybe just less altogether.  Which is hard to do with what we have coming up but we're going to try.  Also viewing a weekend trip as a needed release and not just something else we're taking on.  The break from our house hold to-do lists is mandatory.  It's a state of mind.

Here's a video to make all you out there with a foot of snow still on the ground jealous.  Notice the green leaves, sunshine, gators, and most importantly Dave's banana seat beach cruiser.

Stay warm, the end is in sight.

Entitlement

Here's the true definition, or one of them.

Entitlement:  belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.  

Anyone who knows me well has heard my disdain for this personality trait.  I truly believe that it is the worst human characteristic we have within ourselves.  Remove it and all evil doings will disappear as well.  Think about it.  You only have to change the meaning of "privileges" and you'll cover most injustices.  From the larger, more awful ones to the lesser thought of ones like disrespect, ungratefulness, or spoiled behavior.  

I am here to officially announce that I too have succumbed to the entitlement pressure.  I have become increasingly rude and presumptuous over the past 6 weeks and would like to henceforth apologize to anyone I have mistreated in my recent pedestal climbing ways.  

My Privilege?

As a law abiding, tree planting, hard working citizen of this world, I demand that warmer temperatures return immediately.  Looking out our windows into a brown, lifeless forest is no longer romantic or snuggly.  The dark mornings and brisk, windy runs have gone from refreshing to annoying.  I'm sure all of these feelings will return next fall but for now, enough is enough.  

I am whining.  But as someone who rarely complains and who tries in earnest to keep her needs at a minimum,  I am cashing in on all of my pent up resistance to self-entitled jerks and using it here.  Bring me the sun.

These faces would sure appreciate it.  As would my appallingly pasty legs.

Thanks.

I might be biased.

Last post:  Sept. 8, 2010.  And that one was done by Dave.  I'm pretty sure I haven't written anything here since May.  ish.

I of course had big things in mind for this blog.  Every holiday season, I'd get the year printed in one of those cute little photo blog book things and save it for us to reminisce back on whenever we wanted a stroll down memory lane.  But, turns out, there isn't much time for blogging when you're leaving jobs, traveling the country, enjoying the holidays, becoming a famous magazine photographer :), and, well... living.  And, the way I see it, if there isn't much time for blogging, there sure as hell won't be much time for reminiscing anytime in the near future so I'm giving myself a break.  Which is hard for someone (a perfectionist) like me to do.

So, as Les and I decided last night (I'll call you back tomorrow, by the way), sometimes there are just too many details to catch up on and the best thing to do is talk about what's going on now and let the rest be.

Done.

One of the reasons I love taking pictures is that it forces you see the world more specifically.  You're constantly looking for an alternate way to capture the world around you.  Different angles.  Varying light.  It makes you see details that I think would otherwise become part of the overall scene and go unnoticed.  Or, at times, you make a deal with yourself to leave that particular moment alone and record it only to memory.

Blogs strike me as the same sort of temporarily captured moments, like the verbal version of photos.  A lot of the time they seem like thoughts the authors had processed or explored that day or week.  If you know them well enough, sometimes you can even hear that person saying the words and using the phrases.  Dave is an incredible writer.  Funny, candid, honest, conversational, and relatable.

You can check out his blog here.  He's also recently gotten a piece published in the latest edition of XXC magazine.  Page 24.  And, yes, that's me riding his literary coattails and stealing the photo credits.

I think one of the reasons he's so good is that he writes mainly about riding, something we all know he loves more than most things.  Granted, he studied writing in school and that certainly has a presence in the structure and layout of his work, but mostly, he just loves his topic.  When you adore something like that, you want to research it, need to spend time thinking about it, can't wait to look at it from another angle.  He's a perfect example of loving something so much that being good at it is just a natural progression.  A lot like the way he rides actually.

There's a lesson in that.  Loving something, or maybe someone, to the point where you just can't help but do it well.

So on this Valentine's Day eve, what or who do you love that much?

This just in...

Colorado also kicks ass.

This just in...

Whistler kicks ass.

In case you can't tell from the downhiller guns and the sleeveless jersey, yes that is Shan on the right.

When Dad is away...

Dave is out of town for the weekend.  He's racing the Giro de Ville on a sort of guys gettaway retreat and it sounds like, from the one quick call he could manage from a pay phone (not many bars where he is) they're having a blast. He deserves a weekend without being plugged in, he's been working so hard lately and I know he's been really excited about this one.

It's also a three day weekend.  Normally, holiday weekends seem to pass like no time at all but when you're on your own, with no plans and only a couple of panty bears for company, three days is truly a long weekend.  But, at the end of my first day alone here at the house, I've come up with a few rules for when Daddy bear goes out of town.

     - Spread out.  Normally, I'm out and dead asleep at 10pm or earlier but when Dave is out of town, for some reason, I really don't get tired.  Well, that's not true at all, I'm actually exhausted but I can't seem to sleep.  I think it's because there's too much room.  So, I plan ahead, of course, and get as many pillows, and bears, into the bed as I can.  You'd be surprised how much room Bailey can fill when she wants to.  And I apparently sleep like a starfish when he's not here because I wake up in the oddest positions.  Problem solved.
     - Make some noise.  Play music, turn on a fan, have something on TV, it's important to fill the silence a bit.  Like with this...  http://iLike.com/s/OFw We just saw them play in Richmond on Thursday, I think this video was a tribute they did at Virginia Tech after the shootings.  Great local band.  With lyrics like "your laughter is my light", you can't go wrong.
    - Catch up with folks.  Got to chat with a few friends on the phone, Dad stopped by and sat for a bit, emailed some people I hadn't responded to lately, and actually wrote a letter.  Felt good, felt relaxed.
    - Face your fears.  It never fails that when Dave is gone, I inevitably come into close contact with my nemesis.  And this time, it was a huge black widow who had decided that under my potting soil bag would be a perfect place to lie and wait to scare the ever loving crap out of me.  So Bender growled and I stared at it for a while and then we threw things at it until it met its demise.  I know, it was outside so technically under the pre-arranged rules of our family, it should live to see another person scream like a small child but when my husband/saint is away, all bets are off for local arachnids.  Fear the wrath.

Can we also acknowledge how incredibly brave I had to be in order to get this shot?  Thanks.

     - Clean.  I did the floors and kitchen today, tackling the bath tub and closets tomorrow.  Boo yah.  I know, I'm well aware of the fact that this shouldn't excite me as much as it does but I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who know that small victories like these are hard to come by.

     - Notice what you miss.  His presence, or lack of, is manifested in a lot of ways that I don't normally acknowledge when it's filled.  The other toothbrush, his bikes in the shed.  But the number one thing that I don't want to ever lose when he leaves is how much we miss him when he's gone.  Bender has been sitting at the front door all night waiting to hear his car in the driveway.

     

We wuv you, Daddy!

In other news, we've had a busy spring with work picking up for both of us and some big things on the horizon.  We decided to put off building the house for a year to save up some money and make sure we're not building anything we don't want.  We were excited to get started but it definitely feels like the right decision.  

I've been promoting the hell out of this year's tour.  Two weeks to go!

And, not only have I not managed to kill anything so far this spring, I've actually planted a few other items and they seem to not hate life yet either!  I do wonder why anyone would ever buy an annual plant though.  I ruin enough things in the garden on my own, I definitely don't need plants that are guaranteed to not return.  Interesting.  

And we're trying really hard not to miss these guys too much though we've definitely thought about how much it would take to bribe them all to move back here!  hint, hint.  :)